Time for Change (again)

Being a twentysomething adult, past the parties, past the irresponsible lifestyle, past the glam, the gleam, the fake friends, the fake persona, past the laziness and past the BS I thought was left behind in my hometown; there actually emerged some type of voice within that craved change. I don't know, perhaps a change of pace or a change or environment. Just some sort of change inside and out.

My livelihood is bizarre in too many ways that are difficult to describe, to express and for others to understand. I don't want you to understand but I do want you to listen. You don't need to think critically about these choices that I keep making but you can see them unfold. 

I loved everything here. Absolutely ADORED everything. Maybe it was the routine. Maybe it was the feeling of loneliness. Maybe it was the thought of growing up. Or maybe it was just feeling out of place in a town where people made me feel welcomed. I don't know how to thoroughly describe what emotions caused me to QUIT but I did. 

And again.

Why can't I commit? Why do I keep quitting? The world will never know. I will never know. Nothing will ever understand. 

Deep in my gut, I craved challenge. I craved personal responsibility. I craved MORE.

The truth is, I want more. I've always envisioned my life to be BIG and GRAND and purple, pink and filled with rainbows, unicorns and talking rabbits. In some ways, it was. I was able to travel, learn and do tasks that I've never imagined myself performing. I learned how to take apart a weapon, shoot it and protect it with my life. I learned how to stand up for myself. I learned how to be a stronger person. I learned how to work with a team instead of without one. I learned how to be alone.

I learned about love and passion. I learned how to humble oneself. I learned that being rich on the outside does not always mean you are fulfilled inside. Blah, blah blah...

Maybe everything has been happening too fast that when my life slows down, I slow down with it so I cause the catastrophe to happen. I cause the hardships and failures and excuses. I intentionally make these problems to avoid real problems. 

What is a real problem? 

Or maybe I was able to overcome whatever problem was thrown this way but I am afraid that the road will be darker, even more lonely and actually scary if I keep continuing. I have some deep rooted issues that can never be solved. 

To sum this up, I am planning to move back with my parents. My dream town turned out to be a dream town with some dark walls behind it. I don't want to be with the dark walls anymore. I want there to be light even if it means having to relocate with the one place I absolutely HATE.

At least here, I won't be too alone. I'll have support. Well, will keep you updated.

xoxo