A Night Out On The East Coast

Hello World!

Remember me? I hope so. We need to catch up. You are probably wondering where I have been and what I have been up to. The past two years were incredible and life changing. First, I moved from Bakersfield back to Palmdale and would commute to Valencia. It was great because I had the opportunity to learn about selling products and promoting technology. Never in my life did I imagine myself trying to hit a daily goal. It was challenging and life altering. I learned a lot from working for Samsung and met many people whom I still keep in contact with.

Then something even more incredible happened world. You would not believe it! I became a flight attendant and have been traveling everywhere for the past year! It has been a journey for sure. I met friends who are now my family and to top it off I finally have the bicoastal life I have always dreamed of! Also, I passed my first class and have been keeping up with my studies for college!

But before I tell you about the new adventures and people I have met along the way, I logged back into this blog to document a moment that has touched my life in the last chapter of 2016 while following me to the beginning of 2017. Where do I begin? How do I explain everything without going into full detail about the situation?

These past years I have struggled with an on and off again relationship with someone I have known for seven years and counting. He knew me since I was a cashier at Rite Aid, before I was even the legal drinking age and now I am almost thirty!! Crazy, isn't it? We lived together while I worked in Bakersfield and he helped me get the job at Samsung. Without him, I would have forever been clueless about technology and selling. Truly. He taught me so much. Not only has he been my on and off again boyfriend, he has also been my best friend, colleague, roommate, lover, and most importantly, he has remained a mentor in my life.
 People rarely discuss their relationship with outsiders/strangers and I think it is because they are afraid of being judged. I believe they are afraid of being rejected from their peers, family members, friends, co-workers, classmates, you name it the list goes on and on. Our relationship will always be sacred in my heart. We have overcome many obstacles including being in relationships with other people and eventually realizing that we still have feelings for each other.
I love him. I never had the courage to admit how much he means to me. Everything between us always remains between us and I try everything in my power to prevent others from judging our relationship.

Until my birthday. You see, I view my birthday as one of the greatest days of the year. It was the day of my birth and to be alive for one more year, means the world! It means I have another opportunity to travel someplace new. It means I have another year to touch someone's life! One day out of that year means too many different things to me. My birthday has always been our anniversary too. It was so that he would never forget US in the midst of everything else. But being together for a long time means that the "new ness" fades and it happened. He became too comfortable and maybe I did too. I never got the "You are special to me" text, not even a note before traveling back to the East Coast. I forgot to mention that we have a long distance relationship... He stays in California while I fly back to New York/ New Jersey. It is not so much the long distance that kills us but the fact that EVERYTHING BETWEEN US IS SO DAMN PREDICTABLE. The surprises are no longer existent and you would think being farther apart would bring us closer together but it doesn't.
My birthday was on December of last year. My heart broke that month. I never cried so hard. I am surprised that he did not even bother to propose yet. In the back of my mind, I feel like I am doing everything wrong in this relationship and although he has surprised me with gifts (after the fight), I still feel that something is missing.
But I am not prepared to throw seven years out of the window. I feel very alone in this situation and have locked myself in my room for three days for this vacation. I have a month off and might travel somewhere but my heart still feels hurt.

Something else happened in December that is causing me to feel like this. My roommate caught me crying multiple times while I was in New Jersey. She intervened and told me that she wants me to feel loved and special and can feel my heart. I kept denying the truth. I told her I was okay because I did not want anyone to get involved with my love life. However, she insisted to try something new. She urged me to get a "Tinder" and first off, I know how that app works. Guy and girl friends have gone into detail about the stuff they did with their tinder dates and that is one thing I told myself I would not waste time with. Time is too valuable and precious to me.

She took matters into her own hands and set up a way where she used her personal Tinder to "catch" potential guys who may be interested in meeting me. After much deliberation and persuasion, I decided to give in and let her choose what type of men to go on a date with just to try it out.

I will call this guy "Zac" since he looked like Zac Efron. Anyway, she sent screenshots of what he messaged her and was eager and willing to meet me. Zac truly seemed respectful and he looked cute in his pictures. His age was questionable (24 is too young for my standards) but I decided to have a text chat with him and see where it went. Surprisingly, we clicked well and held a decent conversation. It all escalated quickly and before I knew it, Zac wanted to meet me in person. He was polite, asked where I wanted to go, blah blah... You get the drill.

In the back of my mind, I reminded myself that this was Tinder and to not expect too much, only the worst.

He took an Uber and met me at Applebee's which he lived 30 minutes away from and I only lived 5 minutes away from. Our first encounter was strange. He walked into the restaurant and I remember seeing him for the first time and being blown away by how GORGEOUS he looked! He was tall with dark hair, light eyes and was also slim. Zac also had a classy sense of style. He was wearing a North Face jacket, cashmere sweater, fitting slacks and leather boots. He dressed "Manhattan"... I mean I have no other way of describing how he looked.

"Zac?" I called out while he walked in.

He looked at me and almost looked taken aback. Until this day, I truly have no idea whether he was excited or disappointed when he saw me. We both grabbed a chair at the bar and before taking a seat, he excused himself and went to the bathroom. I was feeling nervous yet giddy. I told the bartender to make the strongest drink for me. I had no idea what to expect from this "Tinder" date.

On the inside, I was thanking my roommate for taking her time to find a quality man for me.

Once he sat down next to me at the bar, I could already feel that he was nervous as well. We ended up drinking and laughing. He ordered both of us wine and I accidentally spilled it all over the bar. It was an embarrassing moment and I thought for sure he would find an excuse to leave early but he did not. He continued to talk. Did I mention that he is from FRANCE? This guy speaks French fluently. It was almost too good to be true.

He told me that he did not want the night to end and took care of our bill at Applebee's.
Total cost of drinks = $90.00

We took an Uber to Hoboken. Once the Uber arrived, I remember him opening the door for me and closing it... probably the sweetest gesture any man has ever done in my life.

Total cost of Uber from Elizabeth to Hoboken= $30.00

As soon as we arrived at Hoboken he showed me different bars and clubs and we ended up dancing the night away until 3 AM. It was so much fun dancing and not caring about anything. It was so much fun feeling young again. I felt beautiful again. He kept touching my back, and thigh and the fact that he was attractive made this situation super tense between us. I wanted him.

BADLY.

Total cost of drinks at club= $30.00 or more not sure because I was beyond drunk.

I told Zac that I wanted to go home. Before leaving he told me that he liked me and asked if he could kiss me. I wondered... "why?" I told him no way, I don't know you Zac, sorry. He kissed my cheek though. He kept telling me to text him as soon as I got home. During the Uber ride home he kept texting and even called twice. We chatted for a bit on the phone when I arrived. This felt too perfect and surreal.

The next day was even weirder. He told me that he liked me and felt a connection and this was while he was sober so I know he was not lying about what he felt before I went home the other night.

But you know what I did world??? Do you know what I did?
I do what I always FUCKING DO...

I did not give in. I stopped this from progressing before it even did. I feel so disappointed in myself once again. I finally met a perfect guy and once again, I turned this fucking opportunity down and do you know why World? Do you know why?

Because my heart will always belong to my boyfriend. Now I am blogging this experience after 2 years without giving an update. For once, I feel defeated. I feel like I will never meet the true love of my life. I am going to continue this life with the person I am with right now, hoping he will propose someday... hoping he will surprise me with gifts or a trip somewhere.

My boyfriend will never give me the feeling I had with Zac. He will never be the connection I shared with him that night.

Love is silly sometimes. But do you know what is even more silly? Never giving yourself an opportunity to experience the love that you know you deserve. The kind that I had with Zac even for that small moment.

It will change this year. One day I will get the love I deserve. Just you wait World. Watch.

Much love,
xo