Dear Alcohol, you can talk...

Hey guys how are you and what have you been up to lately? I have been living the dream! yipeeeee!

Ha.

I'm in a funk and know exactly what you are thinking as soon as you read this... "what's new" correct?

I know. I always seem to be in a funk. Maybe my problem is that I'm just never satisfied and grateful no matter what blessing is thrown this way. Maybe my purpose in life is to be doomed forever. What you don't understand is that I truly love my life and am more than grateful to be where I am today. God is so good and has blessed me in many ways possible. He truly has.

I live in one of the most prestigious parts of town (not to brag...) but it's amazing how I went from living on the other side to literally being 10 minutes away from school and work. AND I have a great job.. well..conditional offer for 90 days so that is a huge plus too! The problem is that I am so unhappy here, emotionally. Driving everywhere and anywhere brings back too many memories and bittersweet past moments that I've experienced with Mr. Assery. We lived here together for a couple of months, a couple of tedious, miserable, crazy months, to be exact. In those months I've probably learned more about myself than I learned about him and our relationship. I learned that I don't know how to let go and I have no idea how to move on. I am here in this place that we grew together and apart in, and all I remember is him saying "this town is a piece of shit. I am embarrassed to live here. I am moving. I hate it here. This is the most polluted city. There are too many people with disabilities flooding this town. I can't wait to leave this piece of shit..." AND every single day I wake up, those words just echo all over my mind and follow me to work.

I can smell the fertilizer every morning. It does stink. Most customers that walk into my job are handicap or have some sort of disability. I. DON'T. KNOW. WHAT. TO. THINK. ANYMORE.
His words haunt me. He haunts me. I feel like he's just right and this town as well as myself... we are pieces of shit!! Maybe just maybe the relationship failed because I can't do anything right! Maybe I'm just never satisfied with the best of the best. I used to work in Santa Clarita for crying out loud and even that WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH! What is good enough?

Sometimes, I have to drive through that part of town we used to reside in. I pass the pho place. I pass the mall. I pass the park. I pass the damn Elephant Bar, the first place he took me after returning from basic training. I pass the first place he used to rent AND even our apartment! I pass memories and I have to endure all of these past memories that I pass (no pun intended) ALONE! I hate it. I should be happy yet I feel haunted.

I feel trapped. I feel him putting me down every single day even though this relationship has been dunzo since last year. The one city I dreamed of living in has now become a city I dread being in. All I think about are bad and sad memories. It's depressing after awhile. I bought Chardonnay which is delicious, by the way. I want to blame him for feeling this way. I want to blame him for everything but that's not fair. I blame myself for ever opening my big mouth and sharing dreams and goals with someone I thought I could trust. They turn it around and make you hate where you are. They make you feel crappy. I think my co-workers hate me too. At this point, I just think that everyone hates me and life does too.

P.s. I'm 25 and need to grow up.

Thanks for listening and thanks for calming me down wine.
mucho mucho
xoxo